The truth behind the smile

A story I’ve told before

DISCLAIMER - this is a vulnerable share. I was crying while writing this post. I am sharing my lived experience, and I know I’m not the only one. No more silencing the uncomfortable conversation, that honestly today are a must to have. I have held so much resentment, hurt, anger inside because of not expressing myself. It’s not healthy. AND my past partner is an incredible man, always was.

It’s 2016, I’m in a 7 year committed relationship with an absolutely incredible man, he’s smart, funny, sporty, active, takes care of me. I’m working freelance as a model, hostess, and in events people reach out to me because they want me to be working at the events. I have a healthy body. Living in Hong Kong we go away on long weekend trips freediving to the Philippines, city visiting across South East Asia. I travel back to France to see my grandparents once a year for 1 month. I meet up with friends, we host them over for pizza night, my partner bought a pizza oven and makes home made dough. When I go out, I dress up, look great and always have a smile on my face.

Life is good. At least from the outside that is what everyone sees.

That’s what I want people to see.

What an average day looked like:

My partner wakes up and leave the flat before 6am, he goes to the gym, then work for 7:30am.

Meanwhile, I got back to sleep, and sleep till 9am, stay in bed till 10am. I move to the couch to watch TV. I leave the bed undone.

I cook my breakfast, back in front of the TV, I don’t bother doing the dishes.

When I have an event, I get ready for the event, they are mostly at night. I don’t clean the dishes, leave my clothes as is, laid out. And head out.

When there’s no events, my partner comes home, I see him looking at the dishes, I’m on the couch. I feel disapproval from him.

During this whole time my inner dialogue was mean towards myself.

Why can’t I get myself to do anything? What’s wrong with me? get over yourself. You should be doing more. I feel hollow inside. I don’t know what’s missing. I couldn’t possibly share this with anything or I’ll be rejected for not being perfect. I’m unlovable. - my past fear of being rejected, there not being loved was HUGE! That fear was the directing force for so many of my choices.

This went on for a while.

I shared with no one.

What I did change because I didn’t want the feel the disapproval from my partner, was that I tidied the home just before he got back, still having done nothing from my day.

I was on automatic mode then.

I was told to get a full time job, but the idea of being in front of a computer all day long scared the crap out of me. Just thinking about it I could feel the life draining out of me slowly.

So I felt paralysed, I didn’t what I wanted, I’d never thought about it. All I really knew was corporate and events. And so I just let myself go through life.

With my partner, we never really talked about it. Personally, I didn’t know how to express myself, I needed to say the right things, and well all of that didn’t fit into that category. I also didn’t know how to ask for support, and how dare I need support, it would mean I’m weak and therefore unlovable and down that spiral again. No way I was going to show my vulnerability.

And outside, no one suspected that I was anything but happy

I share this today to say, you’re not alone.

I see you.

I know you, I’ve been you. 

And there’s a way through it that gets you to a place where you want to be. 

It took me a while to get out of this place, and it’s been messy.

It was only when I started to listen to my wild heart, what I truly desired and acted on it that I move out. Then started clarifying what I wanted for myself to move towards that.

I guide my clients through this journey, with greater ease than what I lived, and I support them through the ups and down. I went through most of this journey alone, I don’t recommended, it’s heavy, long, and feels like a constant battle. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

You want to make this easier for yourself, through the uncomfortable parts? Book a call with me and let’s talk how to make that happen. Book a call with me HERE

Even if nothing else happens after this call, you’ll walk away with more clarity. I invite you to give that to yourself. I’m offering it.