My body crashed

written on 20250205 👈

Since mid Oct I’ve been building up stress within my body. I hadn’t realised to which extend it was building up. It was only when I arrived in Portugal that I felt the effect.

I’d feel it, but it felt ok. I come from shove it down and keep going mind set. Plus I have a high level threshold to push myself and my body.

The difference today, I’m super attuned to how my body feels. I’m no longer in the numbing, and 100% in the full allowance of feeling all the feels. The “good” and the the “bad”.

I arrived in Lisbon, during my 2 day stay with my friends, I chill. I love catching up with them. Then I head to the workaway I have planned for the next 2 months. First my period which should be over ny now isn’t. It keeps going. Something is up with my hormones. 

All hormones affect the body holistically. I’ve just had a high concentration of cortisol with all that beens going on. From being told by my grandmother and aunt to leave the flat to make space for another person after 2 years of living there, first hit. My dad is starting chimo in a few weeks and asked me to come over, I worry as when stress hit, he can lash out verbally and it’s stings, second hit. I’m choosing to relocate for myself and myself only, I’m scared as hell. It’s the first time in my life that I make a decision to move towards something I want for myself. This piles up the stress. 

Logistics, move things out, clear out flat… I’m also letting go of the person I identified before and allowing myself to think and believe bigger. Letting go of past self, I feel grief, fear and uncertainty. It’s adds.

Second physical sign, I feel low on energy, I do what I need to do for the workaway and they rest for myself.

Third physical sign, I get a UTI. My immune system being compromised from the stress, and bam.

This is not the first time when going through a transition that my body gets a hit. I reckonise the signs. Therefore I allow myself to embrace the feels, be with what going on. Without judging myself, you know the inner chatter: “you should be doing more” “you’re lazy” “you’ve rested enough” “ if you don’t work, your business won’t work” and so on, there’s none of that. 

Instead, I welcome the crappy feeling, without wanting to change them. I allow myself to rest. I take care of myself. I know it’s a phase, and this shall past. 

I also recognise that this is a lot going on all at once. And I hold myself with compassion.

So here’s to the slow days, the low levels of energy, the body being uncomfortable through an infection, my hormonal cycle changing, the sadness, the grief, the fears. Here’s to all of it being present. Here’s the accepting radically. Here’s to allowing myself to feel it all. Here’s to listening to my body and slowing way down.

I love my body in the lows, so when I crash, I allow myself to be with it. I didn’t know how long this would last, but I knew allowing myself to be with it, I would resource myself faster than fighting it.

And in the long term, I’m fully recovered and move forward with ease again.