Redefining what I want in relationship
Written on 20240906
Everyone has their idea of what a relationship is, and should look like, and therefore want that to be the relationship they are in.
My vision of a relationship has evolved over the years and continues to.
I went from having a traditional vision, the exclusive relationship where one stays together not asking questions because things worked, to expanding my vision to non-exclusive relationship where I can see a man on a regular basis, he sees another woman, and I get to spend time with another man too. Feelings being allowed, and welcomed on my part - more on that in a bit - closeness, and honesty being the foundation of this dynamic.
You would have told my 25 year old self I’d be like this today I would not have believed you. I did not have the capacity then.
I talk about redefining relationships as one only knows from what they see, and hears around them. And when talking, only a few options seem to be possible in one’s mind.
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We’re in the same location or where apart.
You choose them, or me.
You change or else.
…
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There’s a binary view of things.
I’ve learned that is not the case. There’s an infinity of possibilities. Some you don’t see as you’re focused on what you want but don’t have. Some you see but are a hell no. Some that scare the crap out of you.
But the possibilities are there, always.
What’s required?
The willingness to acknowledge that there’s a version of the relationship which you cannot see yet. And for that to appear on your radar, different choices need to be made.
I’ve written previously how in early August I chose myself as the values of the man I was seeing weren’t aligned with mine. I told him I was not interested in seeing him romantically anymore.
What happened next surprised me.
He honoured my choice and mentioned that seeing me choosing myself first inspired him to do the same for him.
We stayed in touch and met up for walks and talks.
A few weeks later, I shared an observation with his consent on his behaviour related to the values. From then I felt a shift in his behaviour. I also made another decision for myself which got me to ask how I wanted to spend the next couple of months, knowing that there is this incredible, emotionally intelligent man in my life and we share a great connection.
I consciously chose that I wanted to keep living this exchange romantic, emotional, mental exchange.
The dynamic of the relationship has shifted, I felt it and so did he. There’s greater ease between us.
I know that if I’d stayed with what we had early August I would have felt greater frustration and resentment. I stepped into the unknown and I was willing to let go of a dynamic that I didn’t want; frustration no thanks; for the possibility of no longer having anything.
I leaped straight in. I had no idea of what would happen next. I followed what mattered most for me, and trusted the journey.
YES, It’s crazy scary, hurt came up, and it’s all normal.
I’ve made being uncomfortable my new normal, which makes following my wild heart and letting it express itself way easier.